I Stood Up for Myself and This is What Happened

I won't explain the exact situation at this moment, but I will say that I faced multiple fears at the same time WITHOUT really knowing that I was doing it. I finally expressed exactly what I felt without being blocked by the fear of disappointing another person. I said what I had to say and I set a clear boundary. What happened afterwards was unexpected.

That same day but in the evening, I felt so peaceful. But still I didn't think about why. I chilled at home and ate an edible. When it kicked in I again started to wonder, why do I feel so peaceful? Suddenly it hit me... oh my god, after I stood up for myself it actually made my nervous system FEEL SAFE. This can also be interpreted as, my inner child FINALLY felt safe! This might be the first time that I ever felt this, as far as I can remember.

So what now?

It has affected my habits. For most of my life I would engage in unhealthy habits for short term pleasure, and when I tried to stop I would find it sooo difficult. But now? The habits seem to serve no more purpose, the craving for them has decreased SIGNIFICANTLY.

But why? What was the purpose before?

I asked myself this while I was on that edible, and the answer that echoed back was that for most of my life I had carried around a constant stress and tension within myself. Ever since I stood up for myself, that tension appears to have disappeared, leaving me feeling light within.

But where was that tension coming from?

This is the part that made me feel a bit emotional... the tension was coming from the FEAR OF GENUINELY EXPRESSING MYSELF THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE LIFE. As a kid I had been punished and rejected for expressing myself by people who genuinely cared about me but had no idea of the negative effect that they had been having on me.

How do I feel now?

It's a bit abstract to explain but I'll try my best. My inner child feels like no matter what other people's (even my own family) opinions are of me, my inner child will always feel safe because he knows that I HAVE HIS BACK. This was my mistake for my entire adult life until now: I had searched for people to have my back and to provide me with a feeling of safety, but now for the FIRST time the person having my back is MYSELF. And it feels SAFE.

I hope everyone can feel this.

You are unique. You are worthy of love. You can give YOURSELF validation. You can give yourself ACCEPTANCE. You can give yourself LOVE.

YOU can also learn how to do this. If you cannot do it alone, find someone to guide you. And if you cannot find anyone to guide you, you know where to find me.

Much love.