Shame Returns When Conditions Are Ideal, Like Mold

 This is actually the ideal time to practice observing, whether I like it or not.

That little voice that keeps thinking about "what is the point of all this?"

Check this out, my own mind threw itself into a flashback from so many years ago that I can't even say exactly remember when it happened. It was in my hometown. I was driving around Fairfax, Virginia one day, I might have been driving to work at Mrs.Green's organic supermarket. Anyways, as I was driving I accidentally hit a squirrel. At least I think I did. I remember looking into my side mirror and seeing the poor guy still rolling around on the street from the momentum of being hit. I remember yelling out something like "No! Dammit! Why?!" I didn't think much of it then, and I continued with my life. Until yesterday, when my mind decided to bring back that specific memory with the intention of MAKING ME FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT IT. Why would it do that? It must be getting some kind of benefit from it. And the benefit would be... emotional pain? Feeling something, instead of being numb?

What had been the conditions that led to this flashback? In this specific case, it was poor quality of sleep for over a week. The air conditioning machine in my room has been broken for a while, it's summer time here in Vietnam, and the heat can be quite unbearable at times. At first I thought I would be okay with just the fan but eventually I realized that it was getting wayy too hot here. I finally feel grateful for rain showers! I let my landlord know about the broken AC and she agreed to call a maintenance guy to fix it. My landlord will also most likely make me pay for it, and my mind used that prediction to tell me: "You see Nick? No one gives a FUCK about you." It feels like the evil spirit from the original exorcist movie occasionally pops into my mind and whispers terrible things. At the same time, I learned that if I attack that voice with hate it just gets stronger. What a damn paradox. I have to actually respond with Love. Turn the other cheek, to the demon voice in my mind. Napoleon Hill believed that the 'devil' from Christianity was actually a metaphor for that little voice. I'm beginning to think he was right. And as we all know, we cannot defeat the 'devil' with hate. The 'devil' feeds itself with that hate and becomes more powerful. That same 'devil' cringes when it receives genuine love, but eventually it opens itself up to it. Love is such a powerful force, just ask Nelson Mandela.

Time to make my mental and physical health a top priority now, they are connected anyways. I will be able to be more helpful to the planet if my overall health is strong. I will be able to be more helpful to my family, my friends, my partner and my community. The good thing about learning to show genuine love to that little 'devil' is that it becomes easier to show love to people who might be rude to me. The 'devil' is teaching me how to stop judging people when they do or say things with low awareness. The 'devil' is accidentally showing me how to Love? What a trip!

I'm going to begin writing in here more consistently. It's becoming apparent that my mental health becomes stable after writing these things. I hope this is helpful to someone, anyone, even one person is okay. I believe this is the purpose of my life: to be genuine and to have this benefit the health of the planet as a by-product. I have about 15 world cups left until my time here is over. Tic...toc....tic...toc.

Much love everyone.