Where Does the Feeling of a 'Void' Come From?

This is mainly a question for myself.

And the reason why is because this feeling has been appearing sporadically. Or maybe it's not as random as I thought. That's why I'm here now trying to figure this out. And you the reader can join along for the ride as well, it might be something that you can relate to.

So let's figure this out.

There are days where I feel totally fulfilled and happy just to be alive.

And then there are days like today when I feel like... "Damn something is missing. If only I had that, I would finally be happy" (totally disregarding the fact that I was literally happy the day before).

In my case, this something is actually a someone. 

Someone really special to my heart who I let go of when I thought I was making the right decision. My decision actually came from huge miscalculations due to a lack of maturity and unfinished healing. When I realized the mistake I had made, a few months had already passed. This is when the 'void' felt like a black hole.

This thing has layers, you're about to see.

1st Layer: I first realized my miscalculation. I felt that there was no way to fix this, and I decided that in the future when I die I would attempt to use some kind of law of attraction technique to take me back in time to the moment I met this person. I would also wish that when I go back in time to meet her for the first time, that I would already be as healed as I am in this very moment, so that way I wouldn't make the same mistakes with her. Thinking about this made me feel some relief that at least in the afterlife I would have an opportunity to be with her again.

2nd Layer: After weeks of not being able to get her out of my mind, one day I finally decided to contact her with a message that said I wanted to repair our friendship. I didn't expect her to reply, but she did. And she basically thought I was full of shit, which is totally fair and understandable. My old self had royally fucked things up, and my present self has to deal with that. That's my karma. Anyways, after she replied I felt hope. I had hope that FINALLY I WOULD BE ABLE TO HEAL MY VOID! Do you see the trap? This layer was much more challenging. There was no more fantasy about seeing her in a hypothetical afterlife. Now there was a chance to actually see her in the present. So much hope for happiness! So much fuel to keep the void alive!

3rd Layer: After a few weeks of occasional back and forth messaging, and me constantly checking my phone like an addict, we agreed to meet up. We met up at a cool coffee shop on Phan Xich Long street called The Running Bean. The logo looks like two butts talking to each other. Anyways. I messaged her and said hey I'm here. She says she's upstairs. I perform the sign of the cross on myself even though I don't even consider myself Christian anymore, and I walk upstairs. I see her sitting down in her chair reading a book and my heart fucking melts. I try to keep my shit together, and I do it pretty well. I sit next to her and it feels like I just saw her yesterday. I ask her what book she's reading, she says she's reading The Courage to be Disliked in Vietnamese. I thought: Well that's amazing, now I can ask her about Adlerian psychology. We planned to only chill for an hour but we talked for about an hour and a half. Afterwards I walked her down to where she parked her motorbike, and the security guy is going like: "Oh you love her you love her." I'm thinking like: Jesus is it that obvious? Well I guess this dude is my wingman now.

Why is this a 3rd layer? Because it increased the feeling of HOPE! Soooo much HOPE! Finally! There is a chance that I will finally be happy! (Again, totally disregarding the fact that there are occasional days when I am ALREADY happy)

Understandably so, she decides to limit how much she messages me. And this causes my brain to get lost in the void, it's not getting the drugs that it wants. Eventually this causes me so much mental noise and pain that I have to ask myself: "Do I really have to be feeling this right now? What if she decides to never talk to me again? Will I just disintegrate? What can I do?" In this moment, I visualized her face with a joyful expression. Just imagining this made me happy. Finally this thought appeared: If she can be happy, with or without me, then I can be truly happy for her. I love her, and I just wish her a happy life even if there is no space for me in it.

The 'void' began to close a little.

4th Layer: This is happening right now. Hope keeps sporadically returning, and I have to continue to kill it. I have to continuously remind myself that no one can make me happy except for myself. Sometimes I forget, and the 'void' begins to open itself again. I'm doing my best to catch this 'void' opening activity as quickly as possible, it's a challenge but I believe that I am improving at this. I am accepting the fact that it's totally possible that she might decide to never talk to me again, while at the same time accepting the possibility that maybe I'll have a final chance to make this work. I feel that I have the tools now to successfully make a long-term relationship work, put me in coach! I am continuously reminding myself that no matter what happens, happiness is still available for me, it does NOT depend on my partner.

Conclusion?

It feels like the conclusion is that the feeling of this 'void' comes from the hope that happiness is in the future. The belief that happiness is at the end of a long journey, a destination. Of course that is incorrect. I have to remind myself daily, and my brain is slowly beginning to agree with me. I am unwiring decades of thinking that the only way to happiness is via the 'perfect' relationship (looking back, I think I might have learned this from watching Aladdin as a kid lol that's my most favorite Disney movie of all time). I have faith that I will successfully rewire myself. And this skill will eventually be helpful when I coach others.

If you are reading this, you might be interested in finding out all the ways that you have been subconsciously looking for happiness. Watch what happens when you deprive yourself of those things, your baseline level of happiness actually increases (after about a week of feeling like hell). It's such a trip.

Best of luck and much love!