What is 'Commitment' ?

It's Christmas eve in Saigon and this topic has been on my mind today, commitment. What exactly is that? It's a word that we hear often, but it seems like people don't usually describe what it's supposed to look like. It's one of those words that we throw around and expect everyone to know what it means, like 'love'.

I just looked up the definition of commitment, Oxford describes it in the following ways:

1) The state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

2) An engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.

That second definition would scare away most people 😅.

But the first one, the state of being dedicated to an activity. Hmm.

I'd like to choose the activity to be analyzed in this post.

If you've been following my previous posts then you might guess that the activity chosen for this post is: a long-term monogamous relationship.

I think for most of us it feels like common sense that for a long-term monogamous relationship to work, it would require both people involved to commit to staying together right? Till death do us part, right? Yeah well according to Forbes advisor, about 50% of 1st time marriages end in divorce. And when it comes to 2nd and 3rd marriages, the divorce percentage jumps to 67% and 73% respectively. Surprisingly enough however when divorced couples choose to remarry, 72% of these couples stay married. (https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/).

The data about the divorced couples who remarry... that really caught my attention. What could have convinced them to COMMIT? In 2021, a total of 689,308 divorces occurred across 45 states in the US. Why couldn't these couples commit? I finally have an idea of why this has been happening, and that's what I wish to share with you today.

I get it, marriage is not for everyone. If marriage is not for you, then this entire post most likely isn't going to be relevant to you and I wholeheartedly invite you to close this page and continue with your life. However if you truly feel that marriage IS for you, then you might want to check out the ideas that I'm about to share (and of course you should feel free to challenge them).

I used to believe that a long term relationship would be self sustaining, without the 2 people involved having to put in much effort to keep the relationship alive AND healthy. As my Uncle Hugo would say, couples should learn "the art of finding a balance between nurturing passion and cultivating stability." I mention my Uncle Hugo because he is the only person whom I know personally to have a relationship with such a strong connection similar to the one between David and Victoria Beckham.

Here's a question.

Wouldn't it be easier to commit if... WE KNEW WHAT THE FUCK THAT LOOKS LIKE?

Well I was lucky enough to have a conversation with my Uncle Hugo on this topic, which we turned into a podcast episode. This conversation blew my mind while we recorded it, and the following 5 times that I re-listened to it.

Commitment requires FAITH. And no I'm not talking about Jesus or ANY religion. I'm talking about faith in YOUR ABILITY TO FIND SOLUTIONS. Having faith in a religion could definitely be helpful for this actually, but it's not a requirement.

Just imagine for a second: if you had 100% faith in yourself that you could find a solution to any challenge in your personal life, who then would you decide to share your life with?

Notice how I said SHARE. I didn't say anything about finding your 'other half'. There is too much evidence now that the 'other half' is JUST a concept that is used to sell movies and music. NO ONE CAN COMPLETE YOU, ONLY YOU CAN COMPLETE YOU. And how do you complete you? By realizing that you were NEVER INCOMPLETE... EVER. And every attempt to complete yourself via external things has ended up in failure, but why? NOTHING CAN EVER COMPLETE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY FUCKING COMPLETE. And the more you seek completeness, the more you forget that you were already there. This goes back to the fish swimming around the world looking for the ocean. This IS the ocean. Let's stop seeking 'happiness', this is it baby.

'What does commitment feel like?'

It feels like this:

No matter what challenges appear along the way, I CHOOSE to continue facing them and finding solutions because I CAN and I WANT TO. Also, I choose to continue facing challenges in this particular context until the day I die. And what is the context? Marriage.

'But how do I know who to commit to?'

That's actually a different topic, and better left for a different post. But it makes sense why someone would ask that question right now. Here's a little hint... when you have faith that happiness can be realized alone, you stop seeking a life partner. When you stop seeking a life partner, it becomes CLEAR AS FUCK who that person is NOT. Why does it become clear? Because when you stop seeking, you realize that the answer you were seeking was already there. When your voids no longer decide your partners, it's a beautiful thing. And in my particular case, I realized it was someone whom I had already met and loved but whom I had epically failed in the past. And actually if this person decides that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, it's okay, because it means that my life partner is still out there and we are in the process of attracting each other like magnets. That being said, I have enormous faith that this is it. I'm ready to commit, and I have chosen who to commit to. Love is not enough. I loved this woman before and I failed her. Commitment is a requirement, and I intend to build a strong foundation where we can create a life together until we must ultimately surrender to death.

'Ok, but what exactly are we committing to?"

1) First of all, you are committing to BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.

2) You are committing to building a foundation and a future with a SPECIFIC PERSON until the day of your death.

3) You are committing to WORK AS A TEAM with your specific person to FIND SOLUTIONS to any current and future challenges.

'How can we be responsible for our own happiness?"

Firstly, by believing that that's possible. Then, let go of the activities that provide you with your preferred short term pleasures. Unfortunately these activities keep us stuck in the rat race of chasing happiness. You don't have to rush this letting go process, start with the easiest activity to let go of and then move on to a harder one. Like a game! You will see how your baseline level of happiness increases every day, it's amazing. For men, I highly recommend trying sexual transmutation (I'll write a post about this specific topic in the near future). This is the art of converting your sexual energy into power that can be used for non-sexual activities. I guess you can say it's similar to nofap, except for you are not just containing the energy, you are releasing it in other ways like exercise. I have chosen running as a way to release this energy.

'How can I find that specific person if I don't know him/her already?"

The first thing that comes to mind is to decide exactly what you want in a lifelong partner, and then spend time in places where someone like that would also be spending their time. Try your best to use your INTUITION when choosing a partner. If not... then you might accidentally be letting your decision come from a hurt 'inner child', and this can cause a LOT OF TROUBLE for you and the other person.

How to tell the difference between 'intuition' and a 'hurt inner child'?

It's a skill that might take some time to develop, but it can definitely be learned. Sometimes it takes some major mistakes along the way, but that's how you learn. Just try your best. And if you need some help in these situations you should talk to someone with high enough awareness to be able to see where your motivation is coming from. And if you don't know anyone who can help with this, you can always contact me. If you live in Saigon, let's meet for coffee! If you happen to be somewhere else, we can chat via zoom.

'How can I decide exactly what I want in a partner?'

Unfortunately you might have to experience some trial and error, I honestly don't know if this is avoidable or not. It takes a lot of self awareness. Ideally your partner should be someone who can be a safe place for you to be your authentic self, someone who can support you when you have your own inner child moments of sadness, someone who can be happy for your wins and unconditionally love you despite your defeats. Oh and guess what, YOU WOULD HAVE TO GIVE THE SAME SUPPORT BACK TO YOUR PARTNER AS WELL! You are a team, so you should have each other's backs. I already messed up in this department in the past. She had my back consistently but I didn't do the same for her. Now I know I should have my own back so I can be healthy enough to have her back. I don't only want to have your back em, I want to have OUR BACKS. I love you.

'How can I know that I'm capable of finding solutions to all challenges?'

That's actually a really good question, and this requires FAITH. Again, not necessarily religious faith (although that could be really helpful). Do you know how fucking powerful you are, right now?! You have the ability to either evolve into the next stage of your metamorphosis every day OR completely ruin your fucking life. You can actually CHOOSE how to steer the ship of your life, isn't that powerful as fuck? So how to find solutions to all challenges. It would be extremely helpful to practice the skill of PATTERN RECOGNITION. 'Problems' have a pattern, and therefore 'solutions' have a different pattern. I think I might have to write an entire new post on this topic. When you practice the skill of recognizing the patterns of 'problems' and 'solutions', eventually you get to a point where you genuinely feel that you can solve ANY problem that arises.

Oh shit it's past midnight, it's Christmas now. Merry Christmas everyone!

Life is finite, follow your gut. Don't be one of those people who regret everything on their death bed. Give it your best shot. 

Much love!