The Beginning of my 'Inner Work' Journey

 It happened about the same time as the covid outbreak in Wuhan actually, wow. During my lunch break at work (I worked as an ESL teacher in Vietnamese public schools) I went to a place called Kafka Cafe. It used to be on Nguyen Dinh Chieu street, but now it's located near the intersection of Hai Ba Trung and Dien Bien Phu. It's still an awesome place.

ANYWAYS

I went there and ordered a bagel with avocado spread and a fried egg on top, along with some Vietnamese coffee OF COURSE. I noticed that in this cafe there were many books available to read. One of these books was called 'Teach Yourself Zen' by Christmas Humphreys. I'd always been interested in eastern wisdom, but hadn't really looked into it much. I just knew that in high school I had read a book called Zen Guitar and it felt "right". I picked up the book by Christmas Humphreys (what an awesome name, seriously, it even fucking beats Santa Claus) and started to read it. Actually I started to devour it. Eventually I came across a line that said something like, "What if you are the whole entire universe experiencing itself? If that were true, then the person who you actually think you are isn't even you."

That scared the shit out of me.

But I've always loved scary stories.

So I felt that okay I have to finish this book, and then find out more about this zen stuff. In the book Humphreys mentions someone named Alan Watts multiple times. I was like 'Who the hell is Alan Watts?' About a week later Alan Watts content was recommended to me by the Youtube algorithm and a coworker mentioned his name to me without me even bringing him up. Synchronicity? Serendipity? I choose to believe YES.

Upon finishing the book, I decided to contact someone who could help me understand zen more clearly. Luckily, I was friends with a Buddhist monk on Facebook! (I had met him when I first moved to Vietnam, he was an English student at the place where I was getting certified to teach). I contacted him via Facebook messenger and asked him if he could help me understand zen. He then invited me to go to the pagoda where he lived at.

A few days went by, and I finally went to see him. The pagoda where he was staying at was deep in the back alleys of Phu Nhuan district, it was impossible to see from the main road. The Buddhist temples and pagodas in Saigon feel like an oasis within the craziness of the city life, so refreshing.

The monk found me walking around the alley lost as hell, and then led me into the pagoda. There were about 4 or 5 floors, and many people performing prayers and lighting incense. I'm not religious myself, but this place felt so relaxing.

The monk's name is Tue Tam. He led me up to the 3rd floor and invited me into his room. The story gets better. There were three girls in his room, and apparently we were all about to chill together. I was like 'Yooo is the monk really hooking it up right now?!' But nah we all just ended up chilling, eating vegetarian food and even playing some guitar and singing Hotel California. I really vibed with one of the girls there, and she eventually become my girlfriend for about three years. We recently ended our relationship, but in hindsight it really does feel like we were meant to meet and experience everything that we have experienced. Synchronicity AGAIN.

ANYWAYS

After this chill session, we were all about to go home. Suddenly Tue Tam tells me something like 'Oh hey take these books, you can borrow them'. One of the books was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I had heard of it but had never read it. Another one of those books was The First and Last Freedom by J. Krishnamurti. Another book, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. I took these books home, and over the span of a month I consumed them hungrily. This began a year long adventure of consuming as many 'zen' books as I could physically read, I did this to the point of burnout. After 1 year I was mentally and physically exhausted. At that point of my life, I honestly thought that if I read enough books I would eventually 'crack the code' of enlightenment. I was seeking soo hard. I was the fish swimming around the world looking for the ocean 😊 Eventually the fish must realize he's been in a rat race and the search must be called off, but I hadn't realized this yet.

My good friend Pobashen, who is like the older brother I never had, recommended that I meet a spiritual friend of his. By this point I had been consuming books on 'enlightenment' for about a year, and I had found a consistent pattern in books written by different people from different settings in different time periods. I mentioned this 'pattern' in a previous blog post, we'll get to that eventually. When I met this 'spiritual friend,' I noticed that the things he was saying were matching the 'pattern' I had found in the books. Everything in me told that I HAVE to spend more time with him and see what this is all about. You've seen the Matrix right? Neo, you should follow the white rabbit.

So the 'spiritual friend' his name is Guy. He's an American guy who's lived in Vietnam for like over 16 years, and if I'm not mistaken he's in his sixties. Anyways, I met him and his group of friends for their weekly discussion on spirituality. They had labeled the theme as 'Non-Dualism.' That was the first time that I had heard the 'pattern' labeled that way. Up until then I had labeled as 'that thing that I like to study'. At the discussion, everything followed the pattern. I wish I could explain this pattern in a clear way, and believe me, people have tried. You might want to check out the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, I'm sure he does a MUCH better job than I at painting that picture.

One day after a long spiritual discussion with Guy and his Non-Dualism group, I stayed with him for a bit while he worked on his laptop. I had a massive headache, I was still seeking enlightenment in the books. I mentioned my headache to Guy and the reason why I was feeling it. He told me, "Why don't you just chill out?" Then I suddenly remembered that I could do that... My desire for enlightenment was the very thing keeping me away from it, I had been stuck in a rat race! Luckily I became aware of this after a year of seeking, some people don't realize until their final years. Some people don't realize this at all.

After I chilled out, I started another more calm phase of my life. Eventually later on I got caught in another rat race, this time the rat race of seeking 'happiness'. I forgot to put 2 and 2 together. Seeking enlightenment and seeking happiness, both are traps.

There is still so much more to write about, but we will continue another day.

I hope your inner work is going well, and I want to know how you are dealing with it. I pray that you find the 'pattern' because it will be helpful in all aspects of your life.

Until next time.