Croissant and a Pink Drink at a Vietnamese Starbucks

Basically I'm doing this because I was inspired by John Kim, the author of the book Single on Purpose. As I listened to the audiobook this week, it felt like I was listening to a story being told by a good friend. But anyways, who am I? 

That's actually a pretty deep question when you think about it, but for the purpose of keeping things simple (for now) I can say that I am a Latin American living in Vietnam who is trying to figure his life out. I am someone who had subconsciously believed that true happiness could only be found in romantic relationships, somehow this was ingrained into my damn brain. It's been taking longer than expected to unwire that belief but I do see that progress is being made. 1% daily improvement is still progress! Oh and also, I'm a bit hungover from silly decisions I made last night.

Why did I believe that true happiness could only be found in romantic relationships you ask? That's a good question... damn. I think it's a mix of different things. My parents didn't have a good relationship, they were unhappy and eventually divorced when I was about 20 years old. Every romantic movie and love song that I consumed was about finally being happy after meeting that special someone and declaring that one can't breathe without the other. It can feel so good to sing those lyrics, you know what I mean. The thought that there is someone who I can't live without, and the thought that that person feels the same about me, triggered some kind of chemicals in my brain that feel pleasurable. Even as I am writing this I can feel those chemicals trying to be triggered. But, now something is stopping the trigger in its tracks.

What if that feeling triggered is just infatuation? Is infatuation enough to sustain a long-term relationship? Evidence points to nope, hell no. But infatuation can feel so good though, like a drug. It can become something that we chase, but when we do this we often leave a trail of disasters along the way. This has been my experience this year. This year has felt like five years, I don't know what time is anymore. 

I have decided to stop chasing relationships, but oh my god now it feels like I'm in rehab or something. My mind keeps craving it, asking for it, begging me to install the dating apps and meet more women. Why am I feeling this? It's so distracting from my actual goals (but now that I think about it, it might actually be helping me with my goal of becoming a coach, whoa).

I have to ask myself: What benefit am I looking for in these relationships? Do I feel that something is missing in my life, and am I trying to find that missing puzzle piece?

By logic, I must feel that something is missing. Or else I wouldn't be trying to fill a void. So what do I think is missing? Yesterday I had the insight that I had been looking for a partner who could 'take care' of me. So by logic, for most of life I didn't feel taken care of by someone who loves me. You know what this means right?  Our relationship issues as adults begin with our experiences in childhood. Yay it's time to go back in time and think about difficult childhood memories... how fun. This journey is for the courageous ones. And hey, it's okay to take it step by step. It's like any new skill, it's gonna take some time. And if you do decide to embark on this healing journey, you know I got your back.

Evidence shows that it's possible to give ourselves the things that we crave from others. You want validation? It's okay, just give it to yourself. You want to be taken care of? It's okay, you can make yourself feel taken care of. You want someone to tell you nice things? That's okay, you can say those things to yourself. But I feel like this might be easier said than done. How can I give those things to myself when I don't trust myself... yet.

If you are not becoming someone who you are proud to be, then it's damn near impossible to give yourself love. And this causes us to seek love from other people. Now if you are still reading this, you should know that this is evidence that you have already begun your journey and this is enough to feel proud of yourself right now. Now that you feel this, your affirmations will begin to have actual effects on the rewiring of your mind. Take it step by step though, no rush. And as I said before, I got your back. We are doing this together.

I highly suggest using 'lofty questions'. I first heard about this in a MindValley course. Lofty questions are questions that are the opposite of these: Why am I always late? Why do I always forget my keys? Why am I so awkward with other people? Why do I keep screwing up my relationships? Lofty questions are the OPPOSITE of these.

Examples of lofty questions: Why do I always find solutions to challenges? Why does my self-awareness keep increasing every day? Why am I becoming an overall healthier person every day? Why do I keep finding more ways to show love to myself?

Whichever question you ask in your mind, your senses will immediately start looking for evidence to try to answer it. This is why we must carefully and intentionally choose these questions. If you sit in meditation, you might hear your mind whispering one of the previous negative questions like: Why do I keep screwing up? The first time I heard these negative statements in my mind it was so creepy! I thought to myself, 'Is this how I have been talking to myself all these years?!'

We have so many more things to talk about, but I think this is enough for today. I highly encourage you to experiment with these lofty questions. It could be a game changer. Keep in mind this game has many levels, and we are just getting warmed up. And this all gets easier when we feel thankful for even having this chance to play.

Much love!